treasure_geeks | Crack-off fic (Reply)

OK, I did a drawing for the crack-off, but wanted to do a fanfiction for it, so this is what I wrote, right now at 1:30 in the morning instead of finishing my research paper...which is due tomorrow.

I apologize for any spelling or grammar mistakes because it is late and I am tired. This also may not make sense, but I'll just say that its supposed to be like that because its a crack!fic.

National Treasure/Harry Potter cross-over in a weird way (and no I do not hate harry potter, this is just what my brain comes up with)

Title: Riley Poole and the Mysterious Glowing Figure
Author: Sarahsadork
Rating: PG
Summary: Riley finds himself walking through the woods and strays across a glowing figure and a boy with jet-black hair and glasses.

One day a man in his early twenties with messy dark brown hair was walking through a forest, he was not particularly sure why he was talking through the dark forest at two in the morning, but he was anyway.

The man wore a torn pair of faded jeans, because he was told they were “hardcore”, and a plain black t-shirt. As he continued to trudge through the forest, gazing intently at his black converse the entire time, he came upon something glowing several feet away from him. Curious as to what was glowing in the middle of a forest at two in the morning, the young lad quietly approached the glowing object.

Standing a few feet away from him was a silver doe; the doe appeared to be staring at something that the man was unable to make out. As he made to walk nearer to the odd luminous doe, he was stopped by the snap of a twig, which sounded mighty close to where he was currently standing. He wiped around coming face to face with a shadowy figure. The man took a step back but was stopped by the figure’s voice.

“Riley, what the heck are you doing out here?” Stepping forward, face becoming clear from the slight moonlight peeking through the treetops, was the best friend and lover of the young man, Benjamin Gates.

Riley let out a sigh of relief at the sight of his friend, moving forward to embrace the older, taller man before him. As he broke away from the embrace smiling, he was questioned once again.

“OK, thanks for the hug but you didn’t answer my question, what are you doing wandering the woods at two in the morning?” Instead of replying, Riley remembered the glowing doe and quickly turned around, motioning for Ben to follow.

Looking through the bushes, the two men spied the luminescent doe.

“What the he-” Ben started, but was shushed as the figure began to move.

The friends glanced back at each other, and then turned back to the place where the doe had been which was then occupied by a scraggly looking teenager with jet-black hair and glasses, clothed in what appeared to by layers of sweaters and warm clothing. Intrigued, the two men began to follow the boy who was following the glowing doe.

The two beings led Ben and Riley to a clearing with a half-frozen pond. The two men hid back behind a tree and watched, amazed, as the doe disappeared, leaving the boy standing by himself. As the bewildered boy glanced around him, searching for the missing doe, his face was illuminated by the moonlight and the two on lookers were able to glimpse a scar on the boy’s forehead that was shaped like a lighting bolt.

Ben and Riley continued to watch the boy as he stared unblinking at the pool of water in front of him. After what seemed like hours, the hidden couple grew bored and began to make out. Before long, Ben was on top of Riley, his hands roaming up and down his torso with his tongue happily exploring the other man’s mouth. Just as he made a move to undo Riley’s tight jeans, the younger man threw him off, turning back to the forgotten teenager near the pond.

Ben glared at the younger man who he was about to do very bad things to, and was about to yell when he stopped and followed the other man’s gaze. The skinny kid began to remove all of his clothing until he was down to his tighty-whiteys and jumped into the surely freezing waters of the pond, not resurfacing even after several minutes.

The two watchers were perplexed; Riley went to say something to the older man beside him but was cut-off as another figure entered the clearing, this one tall and lanky with bright orange hair. The ginger leapt into the water the other boy had yet to come out of, he struggled for a moment then returned to shore, the black-haired boy in tow. As they began to cough up water and argue, Riley’s gaze fell on the object the skinny kid with glasses brought up with him.

Lying on the ground, clearly forgotten was a beautiful sword, and unable to stop himself, Riley bolted from the brush and grabbed the hilt of the shinning sword. The two boys were still completely unaware of the man in emo jeans and the older man with a receding hairline even as Riley began to giggle and swing the sword around.

Ben stepped out of the bushes and went to stop Riley from hurting himself, and hoped to get back to what they were doing in the bushes moments ago. But before Ben could even get three feet away from his hiding place, Riley swung the blade around and with a great, unknown power chopped off both the head of the skinny, dorky looking kid and the head of the ginger.

Riley screamed, dropping the sword like a hot potato and stared, horrified and the decapitated forms of the boys. Ben, shaking off his stupor, ran to his lover’s side.

“Riley, Riley come on snap out of it.” Ben said, slapping the other’s face gently to get his attention.

“I-I just killed two random kids.” His jaw trembled as he looked down at the bloody sword at his feet, “How cool was that?!” Ben was taken aback as the other man whooped and jumped into the air.

“It was indeed very cool.” The two men quickly turned around at the sound of a cold, raspy voice. Out of the shadows came a cloaked, bald figure with slits for nostrils and snake eyes. “You, dear muggle, have just done me the greatest pleasure by killing that troublesome Harry Potter and his annoying, unimportant friend.” The ugly snake-like figure smiled a cruel smile at the two men.

“And you, dear snaky man, are gross looking.” Came Riley’s reply as he picked up the bloody sword and hurled it at the weird man. The sword made a muffled thump sound as it stuck into the figure’s chest. Ben and Riley laughed as the snake-man-thing fell to its knees, twitching. Satisfied with the strange murders of the three beings, the two men walked off hand in hand knowing that no one would ever find the bodies of the two kids and snake-man and that no one would believe their story. The two men were even happier knowing that they could find a nice spot under a tree and sex each other up in the moonlight.